Sex, virtually everyone does it. Though many don't do it
right. It's often considered taboo for discussion or for the public
arena. One doesn't simply talk about it in “polite company”. But,
realistically much of our society's common attitudes are archaic and
even detrimental. Puritanical attitudes are, in fact, very unhealthy.
Indeed there are positive and negative attitudes. There are
maladaptive and adaptive attitudes. There are are also good and bad
attitudes. And as it turns out, sex is very much about attitude. Of
course there is the small percent that is actually physical. But, the
idea is captured in the old quip “sex is one-percent friction and
ninety nine-percent mental”. The brain controls everything,
literally. And the stimulation of nerve endings, by touch, is
transmitted up the nerves to the brain, where the signals are
interpreted. So, in a very real sense, it may be true that two bodies
touch each other below the waist but the sex is happening in our
heads. So it should come as no surprise that one's attitudes matter a
great deal. If you want to have good sex, you need to have good
attitudes about sex.
But, before I continue, I want to give a warning. If
your delicate sensitivities can't handle frank discussions about sex
then this is not for you. I'm not going to be deliberately vulgar or
profane, but one can't honestly discuss this topic without being a
bit blunt. Also, if you're not over 18 years of age, then you ought
not to be reading this. Either way, you need to grow up first. Either
way you're not mature enough to treat the subject like an adult. Or,
for a few of you who are under the age of 18 years, you might be
mature enough but the legal issue is your age. In any event, you're
dismissed, that is all. On to another issue, which I feel should be
made clear. I am discussing this topic from the perspective of a
heterosexual person. It's true that much of the issues I will discuss
can be applicable regardless of one's sexual orientation. My efforts
have been to be as general as possible and to make sure that everyone
is covered.
Playboy magazine has been often and long assaulted.
Accused on one side of being too risque. On the other side accused of
being a misogynistic force. Neither of which are true. While it's
true that when Hugh Hefner started Playboy in 1953 it was a bit
risque for the times, it was and continues to be classy. Other
“gentleman's” magazines have come and gone and been far, far more
graphic. It's been claimed to be all about sex. Again this is an
ignorant claim because much of the magazine is actually full of
humor, politics, culture, stories, interviews and film and book
reviews and more. It's actually quite sophisticated. Then there are
feminists. Or realistically, extremists pretending to be feminists.
What they don't understand is that Playboy has been a champion of
women's rights and equality. The extremists have been under the
impression that women are somehow only thought of as sex objects by
men. Certainly that was once true of large numbers of men, but over
the past few decades that number has dwindled severely. And, while
many of the more aggressive man-hating – misandrist – extremists
are certainly unappealing, to say the least, they don't get it. Women
can be powerful and professional and intelligent and productive and
sexy as well. A woman's femininity is not impaired by her work. A
woman's attractiveness is not destroyed by her self-confidence, in
fact it's only enhanced. Nor, is a woman's value as a person
diminished by her sexuality. To suggest that there is a dichotomy
between sexual attractiveness and professional and personal value as
people for women is not only a fallacy, it's demeaning to women and
men.
It is sexist to suggest that men can't be respectful of
a woman, while attracted to her also. It's unacceptable to treat women as if
they're inherently victims because of their chromosomal composition.
It's unacceptable to treat men as if they're abominable
uncontrollable animals because of their chromosomal composition. It's
sexist to presume that beauty and value are mutually exclusive. Both
sexes are equal. It's an obvious fact, or at least it should be
obvious. Moreover, just as men can appreciate a woman's beauty,
sexual attractiveness and still respect her for her work and her
intellect and as a fellow human, women can do so with men. Neither
men or women should be ashamed to enjoy, to appreciate, to desire
people they find attractive. If there is to be equality then women
should openly and comfortably appreciate male beauty just as men do
women's beauty. Or for gays, to openly and comfortably appreciate the
beauty of the same sex. The appreciation of beauty, in whomever one
finds it, is normal, healthy and not to be ashamed of. Indeed, there
is no logical reason for one's appreciation of another's beauty to
diminish one's ability to respect that person for his/her intellect,
work, personality and so on. One ought not to feel ashamed of being
found desirable by someone. It is shameful, though, that some people
want to make others feel ashamed about beauty.
Sex is beautiful all by itself. Even if your partner and
you are not in love, though being in love may add beauty to beauty.
Love and sex are not the same thing. Love and sex are not mutually
exclusive, but neither are they dependent on each other. Sex is
natural and healthy and normal and most especially, it is very good.
Nevermind our prudish and awkward culture, sex is not shameful.
Rather, it is the repressive attitudes about sex which are shameful.
When something is unhealthy or just not right, it is not sex that is
what's wrong, it's the other thing being connected to it. So many
people have hang-ups about it. Hang-ups need to be examined and dealt
with. Desire is also wonderful. To lust for someone, to want that
person. To ache for her, or him, whatever the case may be for you. To
crave that fulfillment is, in and of itself, powerful and good. And
you should not be ashamed, even if nothing will come of it. Sometimes
one's only satisfaction may be masturbation. And, while sex would
obviously be preferable, it is to be enjoyed. There is nothing
shameful or bad in one's masturbation. So what makes sex so beautiful
and wonderful and good? It is, ultimately, the mutual bringing of
pleasure and happiness and intimacy to each other. It is that you
considered another person so deserving of pleasure, and that that
person did the same for you. Indeed, sex could not be enjoyable if it
were not for the reciprocal nature of it. And, if you are approached
by someone whom you do not wish to have sex with, then say so and do
not feel obliged. Likewise, if the person whom you desire does not
share your desire, respect it and move on. Someone else will desire
you too. Because when you “get lucky” you really do get lucky.
When you are with someone who wishes to pleasure you and you wish to
pleasure her/him, that is lucky and wonderful and beautiful.
Who should initiate? Opinion on this point varies among
different people. But, there is only one position that fits with –
and is a genuine manifestation of – equality. Both women and men
should initiate. Initiate sex, initiate discussions, initiate
introduction and initiate dating. Whoever is attracted to someone
should be able to let the person he or she is interested in know. Of
course, one should be respectful about it. One should not play
'grab-ass' unless permission is given by the person whose ass one
wishes to grab. Our culture has long had a sexist opinion. It's
always been traditional that women should play coy, pretend to not be
interested or attracted to a person. But, we're supposed to be
adults, are we not? We're supposed to be equal now. So, let's treat
each other as equals for a change. If you don't speak up about your
desires the person who you want may never know. If you wait for the
other person to make the moves, you may be waiting until the day you
die. Rejection can hurt, but no one is a mind-reader. Equality cannot
exist if there is even one double-standard. Without risking rejection
you cannot expect to gain the pleasure of connecting with the person
with whom you want. You can always say “no” if someone approaches
you about his or her desires, and you should accept “no” as an
answer. One needs to be willing to move on, but if one doesn't give
it a chance one won't know what could have been. Don't be too shy.
But, also be respectful. And do not be ashamed, as some who are still
backward would want you to be, to pursue your desires.
Oral sex is not “dirty” or “gross”. Quite
frankly, I think that people who have this attitude should just grow
up already. Some people may think, wrongly by the way, that to
preform oral sex is to be dominated or to be submissive. Some people
may be turned off by the notion of his or her partner's sexual
fluids. Some might even think the sexual organ of his/her partner is
“gross”. These people ought not to be having sex. The truth is
that performing orally on one's partner is not being submissive.
Quite the opposite actually. When one performs oral sex one is in
control. The performer is the one exciting the nerve endings and thus
in control of his or her partner's pleasure. And, when one is
performing, one is able to enjoy and play with and explore and
delight in the beauty of his/her partner's body. Indeed those who are
sexually powerful are passionate and intense about his or her
performance. A great lover takes delight in being the action. Such a
person has the power position, and enjoys giving pleasure. It is also
enjoyable to let one's partner perform orally on one's self. It is an
intimate and good and delightful experience to be brought to orgasm
by one's partner. To say “I trust you with my body” and to be
delighted is as wonderful as to be trusted and to provide the
delight. Indeed, with the correct attitude one finds pleasure in
providing delight. There is nothing wrong, or ugly or bad about
sexual organs. It is – if one has the correct attitude – the
path, the key, to making the sexual encounter a great experience.
When you take control of your partner's body and his/her sexual organ
you are taking control of that which gives you pleasure. So you
should enjoy it. And when you have exercised your control over your
partner's body and he or she delivers gratification, do not be
indifferent or even repulsed. Instead, revel and enjoy and appreciate
that fruit of your stimulating efforts. Take it and make it yours.
Your partner's orgasm is yours to be delighted in and to savor. This
is the proper attitude. This is what it means to be a good lover.
Whether you're a man or a woman – gay or straight – this is what
it is to be delighted and to bring delight.
It is part of your nature, this sex. Every person who
has ever lived, even you, was produced by the sexual activity of two
other people. Why should we allow ourselves to have bad attitudes?
Sex is as natural to us as is breathing, eating, sleeping and
talking. And if you're going to do it, you should do it right. Be
passionate, because otherwise you're boring and uninterested – and
that is a shame. Be sensual, because that's what it is all about
after-all – if you don't thoroughly enjoy it what's the point? Be
considerate, because it's worthless if sex is not enjoyed by both
your partner and you – the greatest pleasure is in being your
partner's pleasure. Be appreciative, because your partner was kind
enough to share such delight with you – enjoyment of another's body
and pleasure is glorious. With the right attitude one could have sex
everyday without it becoming plain or tiresome. With the right
attitude anyone can enjoy sex. With the right attitude anyone can be
a great lover. Because sex is attitude more than contact.
Copyright
©
2012, Joshua Michail
I found the essay likeable. I read it aloud to Monkey Man. We agreed and disagreed on some points that were made. Sex is a dirty word to some of the citizens of our country. It is often laughable that the countries that are the least repressed about sex are the ones that hardly involved themselves in war. Hmm...
ReplyDeleteTrue, sadly. But, the kind of mentality that goes with sexual repression tends to also go with aggression and violence. Unfortunately, in the US since our nation's founders -- the pilgrims anyway -- were puritans there is a stain left with our culture from that. But, we've also come a long way. Hopefully, attitudes will change for the better among the culture as a whole and will do so soon. Thank you, and I'm glad you enjoyed my essay.
DeleteVery logical and well written..nothing to argue about at all!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Aarti.
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