To Make A Better World - Excerpt #5

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Image is copyright, 2015 by Joshua Michail.

FROM: To Make A Better World; The handbook for good secular living in the modern era.
By Joshua Michail

Excerpt #5, from the chapter: "Happiness and Stillness".


(NOTE: ellipses indicate skipped content. This chapter is broken up into several sections.)

2.2 - Love.

It should be well known that there are a few types of love. But, there is also lust, which many people confuse for love. This is the physical desire of another person. At the most basic level love is really a chemical reaction, a process of neurotransmitters firing. But then, that is true of other emotions as well. Romantic love is the most over-rated but also the most enjoyed and enjoyable kind of love. Familial love is the most useful and the most long lasting kind. Familial being the kind of love brothers and sisters feel for each other, or parents and their children feel for each other. It's the love that one experiences in one's family. Familial love is much like the love of friendship, though perhaps stronger. Friendly love is also quite useful, though can for some people in some cases be confused with romantic love, or even lust. The fundamental thing about love is that it is in whatever form, a bonding with another. This emotion, love, is natural and we evolved the trait for the purpose of perpetuating our social nature. Love is a beautiful thing, in and of itself. Though, like all other emotions, it can be exploited by those who are manipulative, destructive, and selfish.

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The purpose of love is bonding. Fundamentally, familial love and romantic love are evolved traits in our species. The love we feel often can be quite potent. The love one feels for family is usually strong, and for most as a parent the love for one's child is nearly unbreakable. The bonding of family and friends together has allowed us to survive. As a social species, if we did not feel a strong emotional motivation to help others we would be more vulnerable. This sort of love has allowed so many people to survive at least long enough to breed, and so perpetuate the species. Romantic love is a force to bond people together. Historically, it drives two people together, and to remain together, which improves the chances of survival for their children. In the case of familial love, families and friends are bonded to support each other, which also helps in each individual's survival.

The danger of not applying rational thought to one's emotions cannot be understated. While most often fallacies of appeal to emotion manipulate a person by exploiting one's fear, it's also possible to exploit love. When one begins to feel romantic love for another, that person may find it easier to do things he or she would otherwise, normally, refuse. Some people willingly exploit that to their own unfair advantage. One should always be as vigilant as possible about scrutinizing one's emotions. Some other times a person can become obsessive and behave unacceptably. Some might stalk their victim, whom they believe they love, and someone who might otherwise be a normal honorable person might become a danger and lose his or her honor in the process. In some cases one might be blinded to the abuse of one's love by the person whom he or she desires, and thus suffer at the hands of that person. For most people, though, the main issue lies in trying to determine whether the person he or she desires is actually a good choice to commit to being with. In all of these cases there is a distinct advantage to thinking critically about how one feels and whom one desires. It's quite good advice to take one's self out of the emotional fog long enough to evaluate the case and to make a rational decision.

2.3 - Charisma.

Many people feel that they can't seem to make friends. Or may have difficulties in appealing to people they find attractive. I can't give an all-encompassing, detailed step-by-step instruction guide. And, really there isn't such a thing. But, there are some basic principles that can be very helpful. Charisma is the charm or non-physical attractiveness, a certain appeal. The usefulness of improving one's charisma in helping one attain happiness is that it can help one to make and keep friends, and to be liked by people in general. Having friends, and being liked in a basic sense, has a psychological effect on us. And that effect is conducive toward our general happiness.

There are many times in our lives when we need others to help us. Sometimes we need someone to do something, and we must approach the person about that. The point here is how ought you do that? There are any number of ways someone will communicate their will, needs or request. But, it is important to understand that how one communicates is as vital as what one communicates. As with anything else, it helps you to understand what others are thinking, or feeling, and how they think, what their views are generally. In any event, one can say the old adage “you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar” is true. Even if you have authority to back up a demand, you're almost always better off asking nicely, or respectfully instructing. Essentially, people are more likely to help, or less resistant to helping, when you are a generally likable person.

So how does one improve one's charisma? Well, first one must understand that physical attractiveness does have an impact on one's charisma. But, luckily, it's not the only thing. Being attractive will naturally give one an advantage, however, sometimes some people rely too much on their beauty and not enough of their social and personal skills. When that is the case, even the most beautiful can be disliked, even intensely. With charisma someone who is typically considered by many to be not very attractive can be more likable than even a typically very attractive person. There are several areas one can work on to make one's self more charismatic. Attitudes, helpfulness, confidence, intelligence, humor, integrity and honor, as well as having good manners, can all be projects to work on and thus improve one's charisma. There are also many people with a natural charisma, but even they can find usefulness in working on those areas of personality.

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Manners are undeniably important to controlling whether people think poorly or highly of you. Don't be too talkative. Follow the conversation to avoid straying too much. Allow others to talk and avoid interrupting people. Don't be rude or too ready to be dismissive. Don't talk down at people. Don't presume people are dumb and need every little detail explained. It's better to ask if they know something than to treat them as if they couldn't or don't understand. Don't be overbearing or try to dominate others. Don't try to be intimidating. Rather work on being easily disarming. Address men as “sir” and women as “ma'am”, when you need to show some respect, but usually only early in conversation. Also don't forget to say “please” when you ask for something, and always say “thank you” when anyone does something for you, or gives you anything. I'm sure most people already understand that it's best to say “please” and “thank you”, but the point is that doing so will help improve what people think of you.

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Integrity means sticking to your promises, and being consistent. Honor is your standing among most people who don't know you closely. It's a part of your reputation, as much as integrity is too. People naturally prefer to associate with people who have good reputations. If you're generally considered to be honorable, and to keep your promises, and to be consistent, then you're likely considered trustworthy. And if you're trustworthy, people feel more comfortable around you. Reputation is something that one should consider extremely important. Honor is what people know about whether you are moral or immoral person. At the base of the issue, one's honor is a measure of if one is known to in some manner harm others, or help them. Whether people like you can depend, in many cases, on what someone who knows you can say about you. Of course, people can lie, for whatever reason they may have, and to deal with that one should avoid having anything to do with someone one knows to be a liar, or a manipulative or disreputable person. This not only insulates you against their fouled reports of you, but also by distancing your relations with such a person you can better defend your reputation. So, integrity is a valuable reputation, which includes being dependable, being honest, being consistent, being honorable and being principled and disciplined. When people know where they stand with you, when people know what your values are, and that you standards, they will view you more favorably than someone with whom they never know these things. Often when meeting new people their impressions can be shaped greatly by what others have to say about you. So, it matters what the people you know think of you. Reputation is a commodity, in a sense.

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How you carry yourself, effects your charm. Make eye contact, but avoid starring. The two-count rule helps, mentally, count out one-one thousand, two-one thousand from when you start eye contact to when you disengage eye contact. Don't stand, walk or sit with a slouch or hunched over. It appears to others as if you're lazy, or afraid. Posture is often interpreted as clues to one's psychological state, even if it's not consciously considered. Our species, as well as many others, naturally intuitively read others by their body language. Obviously body odor puts many people off. It's something that is generally considered unpleasant to encounter. So, bathing regularly will, in this way, help people like you better. Having groomed hair, and nails, present an appearance of caring about yourself. It stands to reason that if one seems to not care about one's self, others will likely not care either. One should remove the excess wax from one's ears, because as it applies to what people think of you it's generally considered somewhat gross. Cleaned out ear wax also displays a sense of caring about one's self. Additionally, brushing one's teeth and using mouthwash regularly controls foul breath which is, again, quite unpleasant to most people.

© 2015, Joshua Michail, all rights reserved.

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Religions Poison Relationships

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Valentine's Day or Not?

I don't celebrate Valentine's Day. Since I don't believe in the archaic and somewhat unhealthy obsession our culture propagates, created by businesses, with fantasy concepts of romantic love. Valentine's Day was and is an artificial holiday exploiting sentiments about romantic love that began as a way for wives of aristocracy to cover their infidelities involving the knights who served their husbands. The idea and symbolism of the knight in shining armor, the saving of the damsel in distress, and the giving of cards and flowers as tokens of love and courtship dates back to the Medieval era. These symbols and gestures, along with the idea of chivalry were created to conceal affection and affairs in discretion and covert symbols. Over the many years so many stories, fairytales, Disney, and many others have constantly embedded this into our cultural identity and ideology about love. Various elements, of course, were added or tweaked by many sources including: jewelers, florists, greeting cards makers, and confectioners or chocolateers, and restaurants. For all of these businesses their motivation is clear, to make money. Real love should never require a holiday. Valentine's Day is not really about romance or love, but about businesses exploiting cultural indoctrination and misconceptions.

So, instead, I celebrate a real legitimate holiday. On the 14th of February in 1912 the US congress officially admitted the territory of Arizona into the union. Today I celebrate Arizona Statehood Day.

Arizona Statehood Day. The flag of the State of Arizona.

© 2015, Joshua Michail

Sex; Attitude and Greatness

Sex, virtually everyone does it. Though many don't do it right. It's often considered taboo for discussion or for the public arena. One doesn't simply talk about it in “polite company”. But, realistically much of our society's common attitudes are archaic and even detrimental. Puritanical attitudes are, in fact, very unhealthy. Indeed there are positive and negative attitudes. There are maladaptive and adaptive attitudes. There are are also good and bad attitudes. And as it turns out, sex is very much about attitude. Of course there is the small percent that is actually physical. But, the idea is captured in the old quip “sex is one-percent friction and ninety nine-percent mental”. The brain controls everything, literally. And the stimulation of nerve endings, by touch, is transmitted up the nerves to the brain, where the signals are interpreted. So, in a very real sense, it may be true that two bodies touch each other below the waist but the sex is happening in our heads. So it should come as no surprise that one's attitudes matter a great deal. If you want to have good sex, you need to have good attitudes about sex.

But, before I continue, I want to give a warning. If your delicate sensitivities can't handle frank discussions about sex then this is not for you. I'm not going to be deliberately vulgar or profane, but one can't honestly discuss this topic without being a bit blunt. Also, if you're not over 18 years of age, then you ought not to be reading this. Either way, you need to grow up first. Either way you're not mature enough to treat the subject like an adult. Or, for a few of you who are under the age of 18 years, you might be mature enough but the legal issue is your age. In any event, you're dismissed, that is all. On to another issue, which I feel should be made clear. I am discussing this topic from the perspective of a heterosexual person. It's true that much of the issues I will discuss can be applicable regardless of one's sexual orientation. My efforts have been to be as general as possible and to make sure that everyone is covered.

Playboy magazine has been often and long assaulted. Accused on one side of being too risque. On the other side accused of being a misogynistic force. Neither of which are true. While it's true that when Hugh Hefner started Playboy in 1953 it was a bit risque for the times, it was and continues to be classy. Other “gentleman's” magazines have come and gone and been far, far more graphic. It's been claimed to be all about sex. Again this is an ignorant claim because much of the magazine is actually full of humor, politics, culture, stories, interviews and film and book reviews and more. It's actually quite sophisticated. Then there are feminists. Or realistically, extremists pretending to be feminists. What they don't understand is that Playboy has been a champion of women's rights and equality. The extremists have been under the impression that women are somehow only thought of as sex objects by men. Certainly that was once true of large numbers of men, but over the past few decades that number has dwindled severely. And, while many of the more aggressive man-hating – misandrist – extremists are certainly unappealing, to say the least, they don't get it. Women can be powerful and professional and intelligent and productive and sexy as well. A woman's femininity is not impaired by her work. A woman's attractiveness is not destroyed by her self-confidence, in fact it's only enhanced. Nor, is a woman's value as a person diminished by her sexuality. To suggest that there is a dichotomy between sexual attractiveness and professional and personal value as people for women is not only a fallacy, it's demeaning to women and men.

It is sexist to suggest that men can't be respectful of a woman, while attracted to her also. It's unacceptable to treat women as if they're inherently victims because of their chromosomal composition. It's unacceptable to treat men as if they're abominable uncontrollable animals because of their chromosomal composition. It's sexist to presume that beauty and value are mutually exclusive. Both sexes are equal. It's an obvious fact, or at least it should be obvious. Moreover, just as men can appreciate a woman's beauty, sexual attractiveness and still respect her for her work and her intellect and as a fellow human, women can do so with men. Neither men or women should be ashamed to enjoy, to appreciate, to desire people they find attractive. If there is to be equality then women should openly and comfortably appreciate male beauty just as men do women's beauty. Or for gays, to openly and comfortably appreciate the beauty of the same sex. The appreciation of beauty, in whomever one finds it, is normal, healthy and not to be ashamed of. Indeed, there is no logical reason for one's appreciation of another's beauty to diminish one's ability to respect that person for his/her intellect, work, personality and so on. One ought not to feel ashamed of being found desirable by someone. It is shameful, though, that some people want to make others feel ashamed about beauty.

Sex is beautiful all by itself. Even if your partner and you are not in love, though being in love may add beauty to beauty. Love and sex are not the same thing. Love and sex are not mutually exclusive, but neither are they dependent on each other. Sex is natural and healthy and normal and most especially, it is very good. Nevermind our prudish and awkward culture, sex is not shameful. Rather, it is the repressive attitudes about sex which are shameful. When something is unhealthy or just not right, it is not sex that is what's wrong, it's the other thing being connected to it. So many people have hang-ups about it. Hang-ups need to be examined and dealt with. Desire is also wonderful. To lust for someone, to want that person. To ache for her, or him, whatever the case may be for you. To crave that fulfillment is, in and of itself, powerful and good. And you should not be ashamed, even if nothing will come of it. Sometimes one's only satisfaction may be masturbation. And, while sex would obviously be preferable, it is to be enjoyed. There is nothing shameful or bad in one's masturbation. So what makes sex so beautiful and wonderful and good? It is, ultimately, the mutual bringing of pleasure and happiness and intimacy to each other. It is that you considered another person so deserving of pleasure, and that that person did the same for you. Indeed, sex could not be enjoyable if it were not for the reciprocal nature of it. And, if you are approached by someone whom you do not wish to have sex with, then say so and do not feel obliged. Likewise, if the person whom you desire does not share your desire, respect it and move on. Someone else will desire you too. Because when you “get lucky” you really do get lucky. When you are with someone who wishes to pleasure you and you wish to pleasure her/him, that is lucky and wonderful and beautiful.

Who should initiate? Opinion on this point varies among different people. But, there is only one position that fits with – and is a genuine manifestation of – equality. Both women and men should initiate. Initiate sex, initiate discussions, initiate introduction and initiate dating. Whoever is attracted to someone should be able to let the person he or she is interested in know. Of course, one should be respectful about it. One should not play 'grab-ass' unless permission is given by the person whose ass one wishes to grab. Our culture has long had a sexist opinion. It's always been traditional that women should play coy, pretend to not be interested or attracted to a person. But, we're supposed to be adults, are we not? We're supposed to be equal now. So, let's treat each other as equals for a change. If you don't speak up about your desires the person who you want may never know. If you wait for the other person to make the moves, you may be waiting until the day you die. Rejection can hurt, but no one is a mind-reader. Equality cannot exist if there is even one double-standard. Without risking rejection you cannot expect to gain the pleasure of connecting with the person with whom you want. You can always say “no” if someone approaches you about his or her desires, and you should accept “no” as an answer. One needs to be willing to move on, but if one doesn't give it a chance one won't know what could have been. Don't be too shy. But, also be respectful. And do not be ashamed, as some who are still backward would want you to be, to pursue your desires.

Oral sex is not “dirty” or “gross”. Quite frankly, I think that people who have this attitude should just grow up already. Some people may think, wrongly by the way, that to preform oral sex is to be dominated or to be submissive. Some people may be turned off by the notion of his or her partner's sexual fluids. Some might even think the sexual organ of his/her partner is “gross”. These people ought not to be having sex. The truth is that performing orally on one's partner is not being submissive. Quite the opposite actually. When one performs oral sex one is in control. The performer is the one exciting the nerve endings and thus in control of his or her partner's pleasure. And, when one is performing, one is able to enjoy and play with and explore and delight in the beauty of his/her partner's body. Indeed those who are sexually powerful are passionate and intense about his or her performance. A great lover takes delight in being the action. Such a person has the power position, and enjoys giving pleasure. It is also enjoyable to let one's partner perform orally on one's self. It is an intimate and good and delightful experience to be brought to orgasm by one's partner. To say “I trust you with my body” and to be delighted is as wonderful as to be trusted and to provide the delight. Indeed, with the correct attitude one finds pleasure in providing delight. There is nothing wrong, or ugly or bad about sexual organs. It is – if one has the correct attitude – the path, the key, to making the sexual encounter a great experience. When you take control of your partner's body and his/her sexual organ you are taking control of that which gives you pleasure. So you should enjoy it. And when you have exercised your control over your partner's body and he or she delivers gratification, do not be indifferent or even repulsed. Instead, revel and enjoy and appreciate that fruit of your stimulating efforts. Take it and make it yours. Your partner's orgasm is yours to be delighted in and to savor. This is the proper attitude. This is what it means to be a good lover. Whether you're a man or a woman – gay or straight – this is what it is to be delighted and to bring delight.

It is part of your nature, this sex. Every person who has ever lived, even you, was produced by the sexual activity of two other people. Why should we allow ourselves to have bad attitudes? Sex is as natural to us as is breathing, eating, sleeping and talking. And if you're going to do it, you should do it right. Be passionate, because otherwise you're boring and uninterested – and that is a shame. Be sensual, because that's what it is all about after-all – if you don't thoroughly enjoy it what's the point? Be considerate, because it's worthless if sex is not enjoyed by both your partner and you – the greatest pleasure is in being your partner's pleasure. Be appreciative, because your partner was kind enough to share such delight with you – enjoyment of another's body and pleasure is glorious. With the right attitude one could have sex everyday without it becoming plain or tiresome. With the right attitude anyone can enjoy sex. With the right attitude anyone can be a great lover. Because sex is attitude more than contact.

Copyright © 2012, Joshua Michail

Is God A Loving And Peaceful God?

"But, god is all about love and peace, not like these right-wing extremists make him out to be. They misinterpret god." Love and peace, right? I suppose this is an example of god's loving and peaceful ways.

Hosea 13:16

"Samaria shall become desolate; for she hath rebelled against her God: they shall fall by the sword: their infants shall be dashed in pieces, and their women with child shall be ripped up."

So, kill an entire population. And, for a special treat, take the little kids and hold them by the feet and slam them against the stone walls. Also, take pregnant women and cut their bellies open so that their intestines and their fetuses can spill out on the ground. That's a lovely biblical story that just inspires faith, isn't it? Religious people need to read their bibles more and stop talking out of their asses, as if they knew anything about their own religions. Unless, of-course, you're not actually a Christian but you're confused and you mean that you believe in some sort of non-bible-based religion.

http://skepticsannotatedbible.com/hos/13.html

I've heard it before, I know the tired old pseudo-argument. “But, they were sinners. They didn't obey god, so he had to do that. You're taking it out of context.” As if that apology made god any better than a murderous evil thug. You'd think supposed grown-ups would have learned long ago that if you have to keep making excuse and apologies for someone, then perhaps that someone is a bad influence. Perhaps that someone, in this case god, is fundamentally a sociopath, someone who should be kept deep in dark prison cell. That is the nature of apologetics, the religious have to always say “I'm sorry for what my god did.”

I turn it around on them. I say, you're taking my objection to torture and murder out of context. I don't care what someone does you cannot morally justify murdering people, nor can one do so with any intellectually honesty. You cannot excuse one murder, let alone a dozen, or hundreds, or thousands, or millions of murders. Your god murdered one person, for whatever reason, that makes him unworthy of the worship of an ordinary, but moral, mortal, like me. Quite frankly, the “creator” father-god told of in the Holy Bible, the Qur'an or the Torah, is repugnant and evil, morally bankrupt and indefensible. Their god is their scarlet letter, their badge of shame, showing how they shame themselves to worship and love such a horrible and terroristic monster. 

All that one need do to understand my point is to read the bible, Torah or Qur'an. Read those books, not just the few pleasant passages that your religious indoctrinators tell you, but the off-the-beaten-path passages. The ones that are swept under the rug, but no matter what you do are still in your book.

  Copyright © 2012 Joshua Michail

Challenging Beliefs Is the Manifestation Of Love.

What greater love could a person have for his/her fellow human than to challenge one's beliefs? It is a love for humanity to wish to help others. Love of one's fellow humans is the motivation to help. A lover of humanity will say if I were in my neighbor's place I would prefer to know the truth, as I myself do, so let me show him/her the truth.

There are two categories into which all people belong, to one or the other. There are those who walk about keeping their eyes open. In the other category there are those who do not see. Regardless of whether one believes he/she sees, one either does or does not. Those who do see may be aware of the cliff toward which he/she is walking and noticing it stops and doesn't take another step closer to the edge. While those who do not see, but believe themselves to see, may keep walking toward the cliff and all the while be unaware of the danger they face.

Some may not see the cliff toward which they walk, but believe they see the danger before another person. Of them some may mean well and so alert the other to the danger they perceive, even if there is no such danger. While some others may mean well also but say the danger is inevitable, the other person knowing it would do them no good and so let them enjoy their not seeing it. In either case one does harm to one's fellow human. But still, there are those who care about their fellow and say let me warn the other person of the cliff toward which he/she walks but does not see. In this, those people are much like those who believe they see the danger before the other person, but there is none. The main difference being whether there actually is a danger. Yet, there are also those who see the danger before the other person and see that he/she does not see it him/her self. They say let us open his/her eyes that they may see for themselves the cliff toward which they walk.

Those who would have the other person see for themselves do the most good. They give the other person the tools with which to be alert to the danger on their own, rather than always relying on the beneficence of others. They may say that two sets of eyes see twice as much dangers as one set of eyes. They also say that I may not always be there to watch out for them and so with their own eyes open they may see for themselves the dangers around them in those times. That is best. Those who say the danger is unavoidable and so let the other believe there is no danger do the most harm. They willfully fail to help. They are useless to all people. Those who would alert others to a danger they believe, but which is not there and those who would only alert others to a danger do no true service. Either they are wrong and so are doing a disservice despite being well intentioned, or they fail to do all the good they could.

In this fashion those who truly love their neighbor will challenge his/her neighbor's beliefs. In demanding intellectual honesty one displays the greatest love. Because in doing so one helps others to open their eyes that they might see the cliff toward which they walk. Not just stopping the other before the cliff but rather helping the other to see the cliff for him/her self so that he/she may stop him/her self. In challenging another person's beliefs either the belief is based on evidence and is reasoned well. In which case, the belief standing the test of scrutiny, the other person will have gained an increase in skill at intellectual honesty. In the event that the belief is based on faith, that is the person believes something without any evidence to support it, he/she may become aware of this fact. One may then see the failing of the belief, or indeed of faith itself, and be the better for seeing the truth.

In either case the person may have improved his/her ability to practice intellectual honesty. But if the person refuses to see the truth, one will at the least have the consolation that one has behaved morally and attempted to help another person. If the person, whose beliefs are challenged, resists the efforts one can say it is not for my lack of trying that this person fails to see reality. Still one has done what is good even if the effort has failed. One can thus say I have acted on my love for my fellow humans, and there is no greater love than to try to help others.

Copyright © 2011 Joshua Michail