To Make A Better World - Excerpt #5

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FROM: To Make A Better World; The handbook for good secular living in the modern era.
By Joshua Michail

Excerpt #5, from the chapter: "Happiness and Stillness".


(NOTE: ellipses indicate skipped content. This chapter is broken up into several sections.)

2.2 - Love.

It should be well known that there are a few types of love. But, there is also lust, which many people confuse for love. This is the physical desire of another person. At the most basic level love is really a chemical reaction, a process of neurotransmitters firing. But then, that is true of other emotions as well. Romantic love is the most over-rated but also the most enjoyed and enjoyable kind of love. Familial love is the most useful and the most long lasting kind. Familial being the kind of love brothers and sisters feel for each other, or parents and their children feel for each other. It's the love that one experiences in one's family. Familial love is much like the love of friendship, though perhaps stronger. Friendly love is also quite useful, though can for some people in some cases be confused with romantic love, or even lust. The fundamental thing about love is that it is in whatever form, a bonding with another. This emotion, love, is natural and we evolved the trait for the purpose of perpetuating our social nature. Love is a beautiful thing, in and of itself. Though, like all other emotions, it can be exploited by those who are manipulative, destructive, and selfish.

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The purpose of love is bonding. Fundamentally, familial love and romantic love are evolved traits in our species. The love we feel often can be quite potent. The love one feels for family is usually strong, and for most as a parent the love for one's child is nearly unbreakable. The bonding of family and friends together has allowed us to survive. As a social species, if we did not feel a strong emotional motivation to help others we would be more vulnerable. This sort of love has allowed so many people to survive at least long enough to breed, and so perpetuate the species. Romantic love is a force to bond people together. Historically, it drives two people together, and to remain together, which improves the chances of survival for their children. In the case of familial love, families and friends are bonded to support each other, which also helps in each individual's survival.

The danger of not applying rational thought to one's emotions cannot be understated. While most often fallacies of appeal to emotion manipulate a person by exploiting one's fear, it's also possible to exploit love. When one begins to feel romantic love for another, that person may find it easier to do things he or she would otherwise, normally, refuse. Some people willingly exploit that to their own unfair advantage. One should always be as vigilant as possible about scrutinizing one's emotions. Some other times a person can become obsessive and behave unacceptably. Some might stalk their victim, whom they believe they love, and someone who might otherwise be a normal honorable person might become a danger and lose his or her honor in the process. In some cases one might be blinded to the abuse of one's love by the person whom he or she desires, and thus suffer at the hands of that person. For most people, though, the main issue lies in trying to determine whether the person he or she desires is actually a good choice to commit to being with. In all of these cases there is a distinct advantage to thinking critically about how one feels and whom one desires. It's quite good advice to take one's self out of the emotional fog long enough to evaluate the case and to make a rational decision.

2.3 - Charisma.

Many people feel that they can't seem to make friends. Or may have difficulties in appealing to people they find attractive. I can't give an all-encompassing, detailed step-by-step instruction guide. And, really there isn't such a thing. But, there are some basic principles that can be very helpful. Charisma is the charm or non-physical attractiveness, a certain appeal. The usefulness of improving one's charisma in helping one attain happiness is that it can help one to make and keep friends, and to be liked by people in general. Having friends, and being liked in a basic sense, has a psychological effect on us. And that effect is conducive toward our general happiness.

There are many times in our lives when we need others to help us. Sometimes we need someone to do something, and we must approach the person about that. The point here is how ought you do that? There are any number of ways someone will communicate their will, needs or request. But, it is important to understand that how one communicates is as vital as what one communicates. As with anything else, it helps you to understand what others are thinking, or feeling, and how they think, what their views are generally. In any event, one can say the old adage “you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar” is true. Even if you have authority to back up a demand, you're almost always better off asking nicely, or respectfully instructing. Essentially, people are more likely to help, or less resistant to helping, when you are a generally likable person.

So how does one improve one's charisma? Well, first one must understand that physical attractiveness does have an impact on one's charisma. But, luckily, it's not the only thing. Being attractive will naturally give one an advantage, however, sometimes some people rely too much on their beauty and not enough of their social and personal skills. When that is the case, even the most beautiful can be disliked, even intensely. With charisma someone who is typically considered by many to be not very attractive can be more likable than even a typically very attractive person. There are several areas one can work on to make one's self more charismatic. Attitudes, helpfulness, confidence, intelligence, humor, integrity and honor, as well as having good manners, can all be projects to work on and thus improve one's charisma. There are also many people with a natural charisma, but even they can find usefulness in working on those areas of personality.

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Manners are undeniably important to controlling whether people think poorly or highly of you. Don't be too talkative. Follow the conversation to avoid straying too much. Allow others to talk and avoid interrupting people. Don't be rude or too ready to be dismissive. Don't talk down at people. Don't presume people are dumb and need every little detail explained. It's better to ask if they know something than to treat them as if they couldn't or don't understand. Don't be overbearing or try to dominate others. Don't try to be intimidating. Rather work on being easily disarming. Address men as “sir” and women as “ma'am”, when you need to show some respect, but usually only early in conversation. Also don't forget to say “please” when you ask for something, and always say “thank you” when anyone does something for you, or gives you anything. I'm sure most people already understand that it's best to say “please” and “thank you”, but the point is that doing so will help improve what people think of you.

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Integrity means sticking to your promises, and being consistent. Honor is your standing among most people who don't know you closely. It's a part of your reputation, as much as integrity is too. People naturally prefer to associate with people who have good reputations. If you're generally considered to be honorable, and to keep your promises, and to be consistent, then you're likely considered trustworthy. And if you're trustworthy, people feel more comfortable around you. Reputation is something that one should consider extremely important. Honor is what people know about whether you are moral or immoral person. At the base of the issue, one's honor is a measure of if one is known to in some manner harm others, or help them. Whether people like you can depend, in many cases, on what someone who knows you can say about you. Of course, people can lie, for whatever reason they may have, and to deal with that one should avoid having anything to do with someone one knows to be a liar, or a manipulative or disreputable person. This not only insulates you against their fouled reports of you, but also by distancing your relations with such a person you can better defend your reputation. So, integrity is a valuable reputation, which includes being dependable, being honest, being consistent, being honorable and being principled and disciplined. When people know where they stand with you, when people know what your values are, and that you standards, they will view you more favorably than someone with whom they never know these things. Often when meeting new people their impressions can be shaped greatly by what others have to say about you. So, it matters what the people you know think of you. Reputation is a commodity, in a sense.

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How you carry yourself, effects your charm. Make eye contact, but avoid starring. The two-count rule helps, mentally, count out one-one thousand, two-one thousand from when you start eye contact to when you disengage eye contact. Don't stand, walk or sit with a slouch or hunched over. It appears to others as if you're lazy, or afraid. Posture is often interpreted as clues to one's psychological state, even if it's not consciously considered. Our species, as well as many others, naturally intuitively read others by their body language. Obviously body odor puts many people off. It's something that is generally considered unpleasant to encounter. So, bathing regularly will, in this way, help people like you better. Having groomed hair, and nails, present an appearance of caring about yourself. It stands to reason that if one seems to not care about one's self, others will likely not care either. One should remove the excess wax from one's ears, because as it applies to what people think of you it's generally considered somewhat gross. Cleaned out ear wax also displays a sense of caring about one's self. Additionally, brushing one's teeth and using mouthwash regularly controls foul breath which is, again, quite unpleasant to most people.

© 2015, Joshua Michail, all rights reserved.

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